VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
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“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.