[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
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Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.