No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I don’t know what to do
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.