“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
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A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
plums roundup
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
want me to check your oil?
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”