If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
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My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
hey, alexa
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I’ve had worse
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros