God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
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4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,