Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
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Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
#parenting
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp