Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
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My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
If I鈥檓 reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn鈥檛 hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I only eat vegetarians.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 馃槉
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
three things we don’t talk about
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers