[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
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Ooops wrong house😂😜
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️