DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
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me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa