First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.