ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
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I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Personal question. #JustSaying
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.