I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
If looks could kill
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep