You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
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Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”