Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
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I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.