DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
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I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on