I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
You Might Also Like
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
me as a parent
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
mentally somewhere in italy
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.