to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Me trying to reach for my goals
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid