We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
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I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
How about daylight saves us for once
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer