6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
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Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
The legends speak of a third Duran…
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully