At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide