-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
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23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!