Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
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of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My dad.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..