“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
You Might Also Like
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Actually cracking up @ this
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.