Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
You Might Also Like
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?