[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
You Might Also Like
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away