Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
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What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
👾👾👾
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.