fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably