IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
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Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas