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A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.