People buying plungers never look happy.
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FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again