With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
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trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Welcome to the stomach
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.