2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
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Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
My love language is hissing.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE