me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.