I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
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I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
United Steaks of America
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Meme Monday.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?