Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
You Might Also Like
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
How software testing works
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
sigh
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
we’re dead?
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.