Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
You Might Also Like
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.