It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
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Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.