0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
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I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Put this video in the Louvre
Cinematography is my passion
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-