I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?