me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
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manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.