Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
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[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.