I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
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How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?