A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
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had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.