Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
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“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
scrabbled eggs
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”