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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?