I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
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“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
The Compass
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?