Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
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Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids