Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
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When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Happy Taco Tuesday
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.