They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
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Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.